Kuzco
He was born and raised to rule
No one has ever been this cool
In a thousand years of aristocracy
An enigma and a mystery
In Meso American History
The quintessence of perfection that is he
He's the sovereign lord of the nation
He's the hippest dude in creation
He's a hep cat in the emperor's new clothes
Years of such selective breeding
Generations have been leading
To this miracle of life that we all know
What's his name?
Kuzco, Kuzco, Kuzco...
Perfect World
Hartley/Sting
Kuzco starts his journey as a spoiled, selfish teenaged Emperor, a politician of the worst kind, concerned only with himself and his possessions and servants. His is a life of luxury and glamour, with butlers, cooks, and theme song guys at his disposal. His royal advisor of many years, Yzma, is a much older woman with fiendish plans of her own, but Kuzco treats her with disdain and cynicism. She's often caught on his throne, trying to run his kingdom, and in the end, she crosses the line for the last time, and he casually fires her. Emperor Kuzco invites in the peasant he called to his court, Pacha, for purposes of his own. Unbeknownst to Pacha, Kuzco is planning on building the ultimate summer getaway called Kuzcotopia, and the plans outline that its construction begins on the hilltop where Pacha and his family live. With no regard for Pacha, his family or his village, despite the contribution they make to the kingdom, Kuzco dismisses Pacha without another thought. Meanwhile, Yzma and her right-hand man Kronk are planning revenge on Kuzco, plotting a dinner party where Yzma will poison Kuzco, then take over and rule the empire. When Kuzco appears at dinner, and Kronk serves the poisoned drinks, Yzma is shocked and furious to find that Kronk picked the wrong vial, and instead served Kuzco his beverage spiked with extract of llama. Kuzco is transformed, and when Kronk tries to take him out of town and finish the job, the bag containing the unconscious emperor-turned-llama is accidentally deposited on the back of Pacha's cart, on his return to deliver the bad news to his village and family. When he arrives home, he's surprised and terrified to find a talking llama on his cart. When Kuzco acidly explains who he is, Pacha points out his current state. Kuzco freaks, thinking that Pacha placed some peasant curse on him for threatening his hilltop, and believes his "trusty advisor" Yzma will be able to turn her back, since she has that "secret lab" and all. He demands that Pacha guide him back to the palace, but Pacha demands Kuzco builds his summer home somewhere else. Kuzco refuses, but realizes, after a dangerous and frightening voyage into the jungle alone, that he needs a guide more than he thinks, and he agrees (with his proverbial fingers crossed) that he won't destroy Pacha's village. Kronk lets slip to Yzma that Kuzco isn't "as dead as they would like", and the two go on an expedition of their own to find and exterminate the emperor, as Yzma has already replaced him, staging a funeral and everything. Pacha and Kuzco have many frightening and exciting adventures, and in the end, feel betrayed, abandon each other, make up, and eventually make it to the palace. An amusing battle with Yzma ensues, when Kronk, tormented by his good and evil sides, is out of commission, and Yzma is transformed into a harmless (albeit sassy) kitten, and Kuzco back into the emperor.
Now friends, Kuzco tells Pacha that he won't be building his summer home on their hilltop, and quickly becomes friends with Pacha and his family.
Kuzco is voiced by David Spade.
Kuzco is seen in The Emperor's New Groove, as well as in the 2005 direct-to-DVD release, Kronk's New Groove.
This is an excellent comedy/road trip/buddy film, and for sure the Disney film for people who hate Disney films. I've rarely (if ever) met someone who didn't enjoy this film for its sheer comedy and hilarious character acting. It's a hark back to classic Disney with its simplified character design and animation style, and its bright colors and high comedy action. An instant comedy classic for sure.
Kuzco: Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story. Well, actually, my story. That's right... I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco... Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I'll tell you what. You go back a ways, you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense. (cut to Kuzco as an infant) All right, now see. That's a little too far back. Ooh! Look at me! That's me as a baby. Ahem! All right, let's move ahead.
(Kuzco and Pacha are tied to a tree branch floating in a river)
Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.
Kuzco: No touchy!
Pacha: Where'd you come from, little guy?
Kuzco: No... touchy.
Pacha: Demon llama!
Kuzco: Demon llama? Where? (Turns around and sees Misty, a real llama)
Misty: Maaah.
Kuzco: Aaah!
(after falling into the alligator pit)
Kuzco: Okay, why does she even have that lever?
(after firing Yzma)
Kuzco: (sing-song) So... who's in my chaaaaaair?
Kronk: Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?
Kuzco: Very good, Kronk! Here. Get the snack.
(Kuzco considers seven potential brides who all look remarkably alike)
Kuzco: Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality.
Kuzco: This is Yzma, the emperor's advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth.
Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?
Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.
Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.
Yzma: I know. It's called a "cruel irony", like my dependence on you.
Pacha: Someday, you're gonna wind up all alone, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Kuzko: Thanks for that. I'll log that away.
Pacha: We shook hands on it!
Kuzko: You know, the funny thing about shaking hands is... (wiggles hoofs) you need hands!
(Yzma and Kuzco never see each other. When one exits, the other enters)
Yzma: Make me the special. And hold the gravy!
Kronk: Check. Pickup!
Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelette a meat pie.
Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.
Yzma: [annoyed] Ooh.
Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy?
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: No, I want the cheese.
Kronk: Cheese it is.
Kuzco: Cheese me no "likee."
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: Cheese in!
Kronk: Ah, come on. Make up your mind!
Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought...
Yzma, Kuzco: ...make my potatoes a salad.
Kuzko: Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal, be a friend?
Kuzco: Boo-yeah.
Kuzco: You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy or this would be really difficult.
Kuzco: Boom, baby!
(Kuzko collides with an old man while dancing)
Kuzco: Aargh. You threw off my groove!
Guard: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove.
(the old man is thrown out of the palace window)
Old Man: Sorry!!
Kuzco: Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
Yzma: Fired? W-W-What do you mean, "fired"?
(Kuzco snaps his finger and a servant comes in and writes down Yzma's "pink slip")
Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? "You're being let go." "Your department's being downsized." "You're part of an outplacement." "We're going in a diffrent direction." "We're not picking up your option." Take your pick. I got more.
(while Kuzco and Pacha are trying out all of Yzma's potions)
Kuzco: Yay. I'm a llama again! (beat) Wait...
Kuzko: Um, what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we get back to me?
Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening!
Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting this.
(Yzma pulls up her dress. Kuzco and Pacha scream)
Yzma: (Yzma revealing a knife attatched to her leg) Aha!
(Kuzco and Pacha sigh with relief)
Kuzco: Oh, okay.
(after telling Pacha that he intends to destroy Pacha's villiage and build "Kuzcotopia")
Pacha: But, but, um, where will *we* live?
Kuzco: Hmm. Don't know, don't care. How's that?
Kuzko: (after throwing a rock at Pacha's head, acting innocent) Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't... Somebody's throwin' stuff. You gonna build a fire or what?
Kuzco: Oh, yeah. This is the real me. (cut to llama) Not this. (back to Kuzco) This... (back to llama) Not this. (back to Kuzco) Winner... (back to llama) Loser!
Kuzco: What is this guy babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up!
Pacha: Emperor Kuzco?
Kuzco: Yeah. Who else would it be?
Pacha: You don't look like the emperor.
Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?
Pacha: Go like this.
Kuzco (wiggling fingers): What is this, some little game you peasants like to play? (sees his hoofed hand) What? No, it can't be! (looks at his reflection in the water) Ahh! My face! My beautiful, beautiful face! I'm an ugly, stinky llama! Wah-hah-hah! Llama face!
Kuzco: Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Oh! And you turned me into a llama!
Pacha: What? No, I did not.
Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me!
Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?
Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind, not me.
Pacha: What?
Kuzco: You're right. That's giving you way too much credit.
Kuzco: Hey, tiny. I wanna get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.
Pacha: Build your summerhouse somewhere else.
Kuzco: You wanna run that by me again?
Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.
Kuzco: I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer. (Pacha comes closer) [loudly, in Pacha's ear] I don't make deals with peasants!
Kuzco: (voiceover) So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here. I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had.
Kuzco: Hey, give it a rest up there, will ya?
Kuzco: (voiceover) What? I'm just telling them what happened.
Kuzco: Who you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing. They know what happened.
Kuzco: (voiceover) Well, yeah, but... but...
Kuzco: Just leave me alone.
Kuzco: It's my birthday gift to me. I'm so happy.
Yzma: Looking for this? (holds up the vial of human extract)
(Kuzco and Pacha gasp)
Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?
Yzma: Uh... (pauses) ...how did we, Kronk?
Kronk: Well, ya got me. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense. (Kronk holds up a map of the two parties' trails, showing Yzma's and Kronk's falling down a canyon halfway through)
Yzma: Oh, well.
Kuzco: When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. Bye-bye!
Kuzco: (after having been bonked on the head with a frying pan) You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.
Kuzco: When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?
Pacha: Well, that's funny. Because I thought that you going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace were all really *bad* ideas.
Kuzco: Oh, yeah. Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.
Kuzco: Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide.
(Pacha has gotten himself and Kuzco tied to a log)
Kuzco: Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?
Pacha: No, no, no. It's... It's okay. T-This is all right. We can figure this out.
(the log starts to break)
Kuzco: I hate you.
Kuzco: I am one hungry king of the world.
Kuzko: We're not getting anywhere with you picking the vials. I'm picking the next one.
Pacha: Fine by me!
Kuzko: Give me that one. (drinks a potion and turns into a whale) Don't you say a word.
Kuzco: And let's not forget Yzma's right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model is called Kronk.
Kuzco: (about Kronk) Oh, he's doing his own theme music? Big, dumb and tone deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious for all of this.
Pacha: Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was some good in everyone, but, oh, you proved me wrong.
Kuzco: Oh, boo-hoo. Now I feel really bad. Bad llama.
Pacha: I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over.
Kuzco: Well, that makes you ugly and stupid.
Pacha: Let's end this.
Kuzco: Ladies first.
Kuzco: (walking back to his palace, alone, in the jungle) Scary jungle. Right. (in mocking voice) Oh, a leaf! Oh, it might attack me. Oh, it's a scary tree! I'm afraid. Please. Never find my way? I'm the Emperor, and as such, I'm born with an innate sense of direction. Okay, where am I?
Bug in jungle: (Bug gets caught in spiders web) Help me! Help me! (Spider comes and eats the bug off-screen) Too late...
Kuzco: Ok... that's the freakiest thing I've ever seen...
Pacha: For the last time, it was not a kiss.
Kuzco: Well, whatever it was, it was disgusting.
Kuzco: Woo-yeah! Look at me and my bad self! I snatched you right out of the air! "Ooh, I'm a crumbly canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well, not today, pal! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Kuzco: So, you lied to me.
Pacha: I did?
Kuzco: Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills and I did not hear any singing. (takes Kuzcotopia) So, I'll be building my summer home on a more magical hill. Thank you.
Pacha: Heh. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?
Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it. Looks like you and your family are stuck on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.
(Kuzco and Pacha sit in silence)
Pacha: You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.